Mood:  lazy

Not much is going on right now. But it has been a busy day. I slept a lot later on because I went to bed at like 2 or 3 am and got up around 7am... I was just so tired. Anyway, I met with my preacher today, mom went too. We had a good talk about what's been going on with me. He told me to go back to counseling and all that... I'm not sure about it but I do want help. But all the doctors and counselrs, they just yell at me. I get tired of it. After the preachers we went out for lunch and as we were pulling out of the parking lot we got hit by another car. Nothing serious of course, but it messed up my moms car a bit. I was supposed to have a doctors appoinment after lunch, but we didn't make it. So we came home and I went straight to bed. I'm a bit tired now but I don't really want to go to bed. Lately, nothing seems to be bothering me. The car crash or when I was in the hospital because of my kidneys... It doesn't matter to me right now.. and I don't know why. Anyway... not much else is going on. I'm bored and kind of tired. I think I might just go to bed anyway... see ya's

-Katie

Mood:  don't ask

Well, it's not been a good past few days... but I'm still here and working on things. I think people think I'm crazy. I'm tired but kind of high from the pills i took tonite. Yesterday was a turning point for me. A big one. I'm upset with myself and my mom can't trust me anymore... That hurts a lot and I know I don't deserve her trust. I went to the church for the bible study on the new testement... it was good. I really like the preacher there. I've decided to do my re-affrimation (like baptising, a renewal of vowels) as soon as I can. Mom and I are joining the church then too. I'm not sure what to say or do before or after the re-affrimation. But I want it to be special and really work on myself and my relationship with God. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonite... I didn't get to talk to my friend yet.. or I may not for awhile... sucks. O well.. I'm kind of weird right now, so I'ma go for a bit...

-Katie

Mood:  chillin'

Hello, how are you? I hope all is well. I thought I'd e-mail you since I haven't for awhile. I don't go to my e-mail that often or get on the computer that often. I've been working on a story and that keeps me pretty busy. I haven't been doing much lately, just the story and talking to friends online. Liam, my friend from the UK is in China on vacation. I think he's got more money that sense. He's a good friend no matter how egotistical he is! I've known him for a long time, past five years. We're like brother and sister and we fight like it, too. He's a good person but a very strong athiest. I know a lot of people that feel that way. I don't try to preach to him because I know how that feels. You don't want to wave your finger at someone who really just needs to see your faith in action. Anyway, not much else is going on. I've been trying to write a decent letter to Aaron but it's like my other writings and poetry, I have to rewrite it five times until I like it exactly as is. I've very picky about my writing and constantly doubt my abilities. I forgot to tell you, but FAFSA denied me. I won't be getting any grants or anything and I was really counting on that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'll probably have to take student loans. My doctor told me to get on SSI (disability) and that would help with tuition. It's like 600 a month and that would really help. But it takes a lot to do it, you have to apply several times and even if you get approved it'll take forever.But I'm okay with that. As mom says, everybody has to be somewhere and you're going to be where you are regardless... It's not like I have anything better to do and I plan on taking my time with college because I really want to get it right. I've thought about going into nursing but you're highschool grades depend on if you can get into it. My grades were crap and I don't have a chance! The early childhood development doesn't involve much math... which is really good for me.

I don't know if you noticed the necklace I had on at dinner, but it's so beautiful. Obie actually bought it for me at the pow wow and surprised me later with it. I was so honored. Indeka got me a bracelet, the one I always wear.. it's pink beads and one blue bead in the middle and two orange beads in the back where It's held together. I added the blue and orange beads when the origional bracelet broke. I re-strung it and added the beads to it. I have stretchy material for the rope/string of the bracelet. And my mom got me the ring I always wear. So I never forget how much I'm loved when I look at all the things. Things don't really matter but in a way it's an expression of love and that's what means the most to me. I don'really care for diamonds, real ones that is. The people in Africa are still getting killed over them. Mom got mine from QVC so I know they didn't get it from being mean to people.

So anyway, not much is going on at the moment... I'm watching my daily cartoons, gotta get my fill.

I was hit on by a guy and he asked me out but I turned him down. I'm not ready to date anyone. Not unless they walk on water and can handle my insanity... but I only know one person that can do that! Yesterday I tried to print out a poem that I had written but the stupid printer wouldn't work. I have 2 now. One for mom and the big computer and one for me for school and my laptop. They're both good printers. But anyway, I'll include a poem or two in this e-mail. Preacher (Gary Nelson) liked them. He said I express my pain and hurt rather well. I write dark things because that's how I get my relief. I'm in a club kind of thing online. It's really good because other writers are on there and they can help you with things you need work on. Sometimes they can be mean, but I don't take those to heart. A lot of people tell me how great my poems are, but I'm not sure if I believe them. Well, I'm sorry this is so long, I just have a lot to say.  I hope all is well with you. I wanted to tell you- put my name in the gift thing for Christmas. I'm old enough I should start doing the name thing for Christmas at grandma's. I hope you know what I'm talking about- the exchange of names for Christmas... if you've already done it don't worry about it. And if you haven't I'll try to remind you every now and then. Anyway, I also wanted to thank you for taking me out to dinner and paying for it. But I need to pay a few times too. I also want to thank you for not taking what I've said in the past to heart. When I get angry I say things I don't mean. I know not everything is your fault, some of it is mine. But sometimes I get angry with the things you say or do. I know I'm not the perfect Christian, I don't even like the word because it's been distorted and taken advantage of. I don't really like church and I think that's okay. I know that neither Aaron nor I turned out the way you wanted, but we both need to hear good things from you. I will never forget when you looked at me at the banquet and told me you're proud of me. That meant the world to me. And Aaron needs to hear that too. It would mean a lot to him, more than you can imagine. He's a good person, just a little messed up sometimes. I don't like people bad mouthing him and maybe that's because I understand where he's coming from. I know what it's liked to be locked up. It's not pleasant. But I know he's going to get thru it and be a better person because of it. Atleast that's what I pray. Well, again, sorry this so long... I'll talk to you later... tell me when you want to do dinner again and this time bring a C.D. player! hehe...

Love always,

-Katie

Mood:  not sure

I am such a fool... and there's no way to help myself. I push people away because I just can't trust anyone. There are two people, maybe three, that I trust without thinking twice. I can't let myself be too friendly or get involved romantically with someone. Considering all I've been thru in my life, who could blame me? I can't even feel safe in my own home. I get so upset, I can't sleep during the day and I don't sleep well at nite. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm letting fear run my life. I have to have someone's undying love and loyalty before I even think of being a real friend or relationship in any way. I've known my best-friend since we were in kindergarden together. That's why I trust her so much... she's never let me down. She's never ruined my feelings for her. Nothing... she's just a good friend and I will never find anyone like that again. I value her friendship more than anything. There's this song by Tool that I absolutely love. Well, they're my favorite band that and A Perfect Circle... same lead singer. But anyway, it goes "Why should this mean anything to me when I really don't feel anything at all?" I love that. It's so true for me. I've hurt someones feelings or something and I don't really care anymore. If you're hurt by what I tell you, and I tell you the truth, get the fuck over it. I get so sick of people wanting me to lie so they feel better. I'm not a mean person, I just don't care anymore. I'd be happy being the crazy old cat lady. It wouldn't bother me a bit. As a friend told me once, "I ain't bitter I'm better" haha. It's true... I get so tired of men... it's ridiculous... The only man for me is Maynard! And since that's purely fantasy, it's the best way to have it. He doesn't depend on my being faithful or making dinner the way he likes it... It's good haha. Anyway... I don't think I can be involved in any real relationship. Maybe if people understood my situation and why I'm so unwilling to share... Maybe then they'd understand. I think I'm going to change my signature to that lyric I put on here... good stuff. Anyway... I'm off for a bit. I'm talking to some people who are doing their damndest to cheer me up. Good luck with that! lol.

-Katie