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Thursday, 14 August 2008
I'm alive
Mood:  down

Well, not much is going on right now... watchin' some Family Guy and relaxing before bed. I hope I can sleep... I took the last of the ultram- yes, I feel insanely guilty... but it's like I can't stop myself. So they're gone now... I hope it stays that way. I have been begging God for strength... but I haven't recieved it yet... I need help... and I don't know if God is really listening. I have good friends and I'm really blessed to be where I am... I just don't know how I'm going to handle this. Anyway, not much is going on... I don't know if I'm going to stay up and wait for Paul or just go to bed.

My doctor today told me that I need to have the lap banding done. She's the 3rd doctor to tell me that... I'm considering it... Anyway... I'm hoping things work out for me... I know they will... I just wish I wasn't such a disappointment for my mom.

Posted by thatswhyimnotyourwife at 11:27 PM EDT
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The Ocean (poem)
Now Playing: Trading My Sorrows by Darrel Evans

I am so far down

I believe I have found the bottom

And instead of crawling up

I’m digging the hole deeper

I find myself crying for peace

But I do nothing to find it

To reach out to it


The only peace I’ll ever know

Is through my Lord, Jesus Christ

He takes my debt

Throws it in the deepest ocean

And holds me close to his heart


I may be screwing everything up

But, Lord, I want to lift your name high

I want everyone to know

What you have done for me

I want to scream it from the highest mountain top

Peace will only be found through my Lord, Jesus Christ


Help me crawl to the top

Where I will find peace and love

Even for myself

I want you to love me,

Be proud of me for my accomplishments

You are the light of my world

I believe you have opened my eyes

So that I can truly see


For the first time I find happiness

Content where I am

Because I know you’re lifting me up

When I only saw one set of footprints

You were carrying me

That poem for you

Remains close to my heart

As you do


I bow down in Your glory and majesty

You have taken my sins

Thrown them in the deepest ocean

Forgotten them when I come to you

For forgiveness and strength to make through

One more day

One more minute


You’re my God

And no one can take that away from me

Strip me of my pride,

Take my awful thoughts

Take my anger and hostility

Take my selfishness

My hurt and sorrow


And as you throw them in the deepest depth

Of the ocean…

I come to love myself

And the world around me

I may not love the sins of this world

But I look at a flower,

A baby or a single mother

Pain or happiness

Clouds with rain

It’s all part of the beauty,

The paradise

You have provided


I may be cast aside for my beliefs,

I may be persecuted

But as long as I have you by my side

I don’t give a damn


I am wrapped in the joy of my Lord

I’ll trade it all

To live in Your glory

Amen! I’ll cry

As this sickness leaves my body

And is cast in the deepest darkest parts

Of the ocean

Praise God! Praise Him!

He has taken this from me

And forgiven my pain and angst

My strength

My happiness

My sadness and regret

It all stems from my savior, Jesus Christ

He gives life to everything around us


Praise Him! Scream it from the highest mountain

As he casts my sins and demons out

To the deepest darkest depths of the ocean

Praise Him!

I will no longer sit and suffer

For my God is here to save me from my sins

He died on the cross for me

And you

And him and her

Everyone must know the glory

Of my Lord

Who casts out my sickness

Into the deepest, darkest depths

Of the ocean

Posted by thatswhyimnotyourwife at 8:36 AM EDT
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Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Watching: CSI
I honestly just wish I would die right now. I am such a piece of shit, I need to be put out of everyones misery. I am a miserable person. Why would anyone want to be with me? I don't understand. I took the pills, I took them and I shouldn't have. I am so disappointed with myself... and I don't think anyone understands besides the 2 aarons- a friend online and my brother. They know what it's like... I don't think anyone I talk to does. I just want to die... that's all I feel right now. Grief, like someone has died... and maybe I have... inside. I feel like God turned his head from me. Like he just can't watch... he doesn't want me... no one does. And if they do they're insane. I asked my mom to go out in the car and get my C.D. It's a Christian C.D. and I need some positivity. I shouldn't have asked her, I'm just a problem. I don't do anything around the house, I don't help out with anything... I'm depressed and fat and most of the time I smoke too much and can't breathe. I hate me... I hate everything about me. I'm talking to Aaron right now- the friend. My brother Aaron is in prison right now... I wish I had him here with me. But he doesn't need to be bothered with my problems... he's in prison and there's nothing I can do about it... and neither can he. I love him so much... he screws everything up and now I'm following the same path... what can I do? I'm not strong... I'm just not... I don't know how to handle any of this. I'm going to listen to my C.D. and just relax... I hope... Maybe Paul will come on and make me feel better. I just don't want to share with anyone... I have counseling tomorrow... I feel like crap and I don't know what to tell her... I just sit and sit and sit... saying nothing... Anyway... I'm out for now... If you're religious or spiritual, pray for me.

Posted by thatswhyimnotyourwife at 12:32 AM EDT
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Sunday, 10 August 2008
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Watching: CARTOONS!!!
Well, not much is going on right now. I woke up around 3am because of the storm passing through. Mom missed it and she loves storms. Anyway, I'm talking to a friend and I haven't talked to him in awhile, well, one day, but it feels longer for some reason. I had dinner with my dad friday. My blood sugar has been high as well as my blood pressure. Anyway... not much is going on. I was talking to someone yesterday and he said something that surprised me. I mean, it was a real compliment coming from him... but I didn't expect it, or to feel the way I do and I don't know how to handle it. What if he was joking? What if he was just being nice? And what if the guy I like is just being nice? Oh, I don't know. Half the time I'm not sure what to think. I don't think I should say anything to anyone besides another girl. I told Amanda, a friend of mine, but all she said was "Aww... he likes you." I didn't ask about what I should do. Anyway, someone wants me to tell them and I don't think I should. I'm out for now... I hope I get to go to church today. I need it.

Posted by thatswhyimnotyourwife at 4:53 AM EDT
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Friday, 8 August 2008
Fat and Ugly Is What I Am
Mood:  down

Fat and ugly is what I am

It’s not a matter of depression or loss of words

I can’t understand

It’s true, it’s sincere, it’s me and what I do

Fat and ugly is what I am

The more they tell me

The more I come to terms in my head

Thinking thoughts that should be forgotten

But never do they leave

Fat and ugly is what I am

It’s the truth those that are willing to tell

I could smile and pretend to give a damn

But I really don’t, so why should I bother

With such a trivial matter?

Fat and ugly is what I am

No matter who tells me what they think I am

I know me, I know my body, mind, and soul

They can’t change what I know

Fat and ugly is what I am

Not even God could persuade me

To believe in myself

Or any circumstance of chance

That is said to come my way

Some awful sunny day

Fat and ugly is what I am

I’m dead inside already

So what does it matter to murder

My self esteem

I will always be

I will always see

The truth in my eyes

Reflects from yours

And here we stand

I feel alone now and unafraid of my circumstance

Take me in and hold me down

I won’t wrestle

I won’t drown

Keep me where I am

So that they can understand

Fat and ugly is what I am

Posted by thatswhyimnotyourwife at 11:07 PM EDT
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Thursday, 31 July 2008
Busy day
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Watching: CSI

Not much is going on right now. But it has been a busy day. I slept a lot later on because I went to bed at like 2 or 3 am and got up around 7am... I was just so tired. Anyway, I met with my preacher today, mom went too. We had a good talk about what's been going on with me. He told me to go back to counseling and all that... I'm not sure about it but I do want help. But all the doctors and counselrs, they just yell at me. I get tired of it. After the preachers we went out for lunch and as we were pulling out of the parking lot we got hit by another car. Nothing serious of course, but it messed up my moms car a bit. I was supposed to have a doctors appoinment after lunch, but we didn't make it. So we came home and I went straight to bed. I'm a bit tired now but I don't really want to go to bed. Lately, nothing seems to be bothering me. The car crash or when I was in the hospital because of my kidneys... It doesn't matter to me right now.. and I don't know why. Anyway... not much else is going on. I'm bored and kind of tired. I think I might just go to bed anyway... see ya's


Posted by thatswhyimnotyourwife at 8:58 PM EDT
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Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Watching: Home Movies (adult swim)

Well, it's not been a good past few days... but I'm still here and working on things. I think people think I'm crazy. I'm tired but kind of high from the pills i took tonite. Yesterday was a turning point for me. A big one. I'm upset with myself and my mom can't trust me anymore... That hurts a lot and I know I don't deserve her trust. I went to the church for the bible study on the new testement... it was good. I really like the preacher there. I've decided to do my re-affrimation (like baptising, a renewal of vowels) as soon as I can. Mom and I are joining the church then too. I'm not sure what to say or do before or after the re-affrimation. But I want it to be special and really work on myself and my relationship with God. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonite... I didn't get to talk to my friend yet.. or I may not for awhile... sucks. O well.. I'm kind of weird right now, so I'ma go for a bit...


Posted by thatswhyimnotyourwife at 1:49 AM EDT
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Tuesday, 29 July 2008
To Dad
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Tool/A Perfect Circle

Hello, how are you? I hope all is well. I thought I'd e-mail you since I haven't for awhile. I don't go to my e-mail that often or get on the computer that often. I've been working on a story and that keeps me pretty busy. I haven't been doing much lately, just the story and talking to friends online. Liam, my friend from the UK is in China on vacation. I think he's got more money that sense. He's a good friend no matter how egotistical he is! I've known him for a long time, past five years. We're like brother and sister and we fight like it, too. He's a good person but a very strong athiest. I know a lot of people that feel that way. I don't try to preach to him because I know how that feels. You don't want to wave your finger at someone who really just needs to see your faith in action. Anyway, not much else is going on. I've been trying to write a decent letter to Aaron but it's like my other writings and poetry, I have to rewrite it five times until I like it exactly as is. I've very picky about my writing and constantly doubt my abilities. I forgot to tell you, but FAFSA denied me. I won't be getting any grants or anything and I was really counting on that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'll probably have to take student loans. My doctor told me to get on SSI (disability) and that would help with tuition. It's like 600 a month and that would really help. But it takes a lot to do it, you have to apply several times and even if you get approved it'll take forever.But I'm okay with that. As mom says, everybody has to be somewhere and you're going to be where you are regardless... It's not like I have anything better to do and I plan on taking my time with college because I really want to get it right. I've thought about going into nursing but you're highschool grades depend on if you can get into it. My grades were crap and I don't have a chance! The early childhood development doesn't involve much math... which is really good for me.

I don't know if you noticed the necklace I had on at dinner, but it's so beautiful. Obie actually bought it for me at the pow wow and surprised me later with it. I was so honored. Indeka got me a bracelet, the one I always wear.. it's pink beads and one blue bead in the middle and two orange beads in the back where It's held together. I added the blue and orange beads when the origional bracelet broke. I re-strung it and added the beads to it. I have stretchy material for the rope/string of the bracelet. And my mom got me the ring I always wear. So I never forget how much I'm loved when I look at all the things. Things don't really matter but in a way it's an expression of love and that's what means the most to me. I don'really care for diamonds, real ones that is. The people in Africa are still getting killed over them. Mom got mine from QVC so I know they didn't get it from being mean to people.

So anyway, not much is going on at the moment... I'm watching my daily cartoons, gotta get my fill.

I was hit on by a guy and he asked me out but I turned him down. I'm not ready to date anyone. Not unless they walk on water and can handle my insanity... but I only know one person that can do that! Yesterday I tried to print out a poem that I had written but the stupid printer wouldn't work. I have 2 now. One for mom and the big computer and one for me for school and my laptop. They're both good printers. But anyway, I'll include a poem or two in this e-mail. Preacher (Gary Nelson) liked them. He said I express my pain and hurt rather well. I write dark things because that's how I get my relief. I'm in a club kind of thing online. It's really good because other writers are on there and they can help you with things you need work on. Sometimes they can be mean, but I don't take those to heart. A lot of people tell me how great my poems are, but I'm not sure if I believe them. Well, I'm sorry this is so long, I just have a lot to say.  I hope all is well with you. I wanted to tell you- put my name in the gift thing for Christmas. I'm old enough I should start doing the name thing for Christmas at grandma's. I hope you know what I'm talking about- the exchange of names for Christmas... if you've already done it don't worry about it. And if you haven't I'll try to remind you every now and then. Anyway, I also wanted to thank you for taking me out to dinner and paying for it. But I need to pay a few times too. I also want to thank you for not taking what I've said in the past to heart. When I get angry I say things I don't mean. I know not everything is your fault, some of it is mine. But sometimes I get angry with the things you say or do. I know I'm not the perfect Christian, I don't even like the word because it's been distorted and taken advantage of. I don't really like church and I think that's okay. I know that neither Aaron nor I turned out the way you wanted, but we both need to hear good things from you. I will never forget when you looked at me at the banquet and told me you're proud of me. That meant the world to me. And Aaron needs to hear that too. It would mean a lot to him, more than you can imagine. He's a good person, just a little messed up sometimes. I don't like people bad mouthing him and maybe that's because I understand where he's coming from. I know what it's liked to be locked up. It's not pleasant. But I know he's going to get thru it and be a better person because of it. Atleast that's what I pray. Well, again, sorry this so long... I'll talk to you later... tell me when you want to do dinner again and this time bring a C.D. player! hehe...

Love always,


Posted by thatswhyimnotyourwife at 6:46 AM EDT
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Monday, 28 July 2008

Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Tool (of course)

I am such a fool... and there's no way to help myself. I push people away because I just can't trust anyone. There are two people, maybe three, that I trust without thinking twice. I can't let myself be too friendly or get involved romantically with someone. Considering all I've been thru in my life, who could blame me? I can't even feel safe in my own home. I get so upset, I can't sleep during the day and I don't sleep well at nite. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm letting fear run my life. I have to have someone's undying love and loyalty before I even think of being a real friend or relationship in any way. I've known my best-friend since we were in kindergarden together. That's why I trust her so much... she's never let me down. She's never ruined my feelings for her. Nothing... she's just a good friend and I will never find anyone like that again. I value her friendship more than anything. There's this song by Tool that I absolutely love. Well, they're my favorite band that and A Perfect Circle... same lead singer. But anyway, it goes "Why should this mean anything to me when I really don't feel anything at all?" I love that. It's so true for me. I've hurt someones feelings or something and I don't really care anymore. If you're hurt by what I tell you, and I tell you the truth, get the fuck over it. I get so sick of people wanting me to lie so they feel better. I'm not a mean person, I just don't care anymore. I'd be happy being the crazy old cat lady. It wouldn't bother me a bit. As a friend told me once, "I ain't bitter I'm better" haha. It's true... I get so tired of men... it's ridiculous... The only man for me is Maynard! And since that's purely fantasy, it's the best way to have it. He doesn't depend on my being faithful or making dinner the way he likes it... It's good haha. Anyway... I don't think I can be involved in any real relationship. Maybe if people understood my situation and why I'm so unwilling to share... Maybe then they'd understand. I think I'm going to change my signature to that lyric I put on here... good stuff. Anyway... I'm off for a bit. I'm talking to some people who are doing their damndest to cheer me up. Good luck with that! lol.


Posted by thatswhyimnotyourwife at 6:27 AM EDT
Updated: Monday, 28 July 2008 6:45 AM EDT
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