Mood:  not sure

I am such a fool... and there's no way to help myself. I push people away because I just can't trust anyone. There are two people, maybe three, that I trust without thinking twice. I can't let myself be too friendly or get involved romantically with someone. Considering all I've been thru in my life, who could blame me? I can't even feel safe in my own home. I get so upset, I can't sleep during the day and I don't sleep well at nite. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm letting fear run my life. I have to have someone's undying love and loyalty before I even think of being a real friend or relationship in any way. I've known my best-friend since we were in kindergarden together. That's why I trust her so much... she's never let me down. She's never ruined my feelings for her. Nothing... she's just a good friend and I will never find anyone like that again. I value her friendship more than anything. There's this song by Tool that I absolutely love. Well, they're my favorite band that and A Perfect Circle... same lead singer. But anyway, it goes "Why should this mean anything to me when I really don't feel anything at all?" I love that. It's so true for me. I've hurt someones feelings or something and I don't really care anymore. If you're hurt by what I tell you, and I tell you the truth, get the fuck over it. I get so sick of people wanting me to lie so they feel better. I'm not a mean person, I just don't care anymore. I'd be happy being the crazy old cat lady. It wouldn't bother me a bit. As a friend told me once, "I ain't bitter I'm better" haha. It's true... I get so tired of men... it's ridiculous... The only man for me is Maynard! And since that's purely fantasy, it's the best way to have it. He doesn't depend on my being faithful or making dinner the way he likes it... It's good haha. Anyway... I don't think I can be involved in any real relationship. Maybe if people understood my situation and why I'm so unwilling to share... Maybe then they'd understand. I think I'm going to change my signature to that lyric I put on here... good stuff. Anyway... I'm off for a bit. I'm talking to some people who are doing their damndest to cheer me up. Good luck with that! lol.

-Katie